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Twain, Mark, 1835-1910

"Sketches New and Old"

"
"Then there is only a hundred dollars due me, and that isn't certain!
After all Mackenzie's travels in Europe, Asia, and America with that
beef; after all his trials and tribulations and transportation; after the
slaughter of all those innocents that tried to collect that bill! Young
man, why didn't the First Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division tell me
this?"
"He didn't know anything about the genuineness of your claim."
"Why didn't the Second tell me? why didn't the Third? why didn't all
those divisions and departments tell me?"
"None of them knew. We do things by routine here. You have followed the
routine and found out what you wanted to know. It is the best way.
It is the only way. It is very regular, and very slow, but it is very
certain."
"Yes, certain death. It has been, to the most of our tribe. I begin to
feel that I, too, am called."
"Young man, you love the bright creature yonder with the gentle blue eyes
and the steel pens behind her ears--I see it in your soft glances; you
wish to marry her--but you are poor. Here, hold out your hand--here is
the beef contract; go, take her and be happy Heaven bless you, my
children!"
This is all I know about the great beef contract that has created so much
talk in the community.


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