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Stewart, Donald Ogden, 1894-1980

"Perfect Behavior; a guide for ladies and gentlemen in all social crises"

The
respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The
muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of the head
and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of
the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring;
Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left),
catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the
train) with the teeth, hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to
the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the
head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and
undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; Five --taking a firm
hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees.
The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and,
in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth
and pajamas.
Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to
slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later
and the ---- ----engineer will be trying to see what he can do
with an air brake and a few steel sleeping cars.
In the morning you will be in New York.

CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much
more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to
music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master
thoroughly two fundamental facts.
The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in
Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has
a daughter at Vassar.


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